The Difference Between Self-Care and Nervous System Regulation

Written By Ashley Cooper

You light the candles. You draw the bath. You tell yourself this is going to manage your stress, this is what you need. For a moment, maybe ten minutes, maybe an hour, maybe even a whole day, it works! You feel softer, quieter; like maybe you can finally exhale. Then you step out of the tub, and the heaviness returns. The tightness in your chest, the buzzing in your mind…the feeling that no matter how much you’ve rested that you're never actually rested creeps back to the surface. That’s because self-care soothes the surface. Nervous system regulation (what will actually help you manage your stress) heals the foundation.

Until you understand the difference, you'll keep wondering why all the bubble baths in the world can't seem to touch the exhaustion living in your bones. Self care is external comfort tending to internal chaos, but I don’t want to mislead you; self care is also the art of tending to yourself with kindness. Saying I matter. My comfort matters. My joy matters. The warmth of a bath, the softness of your favorite blanket, or the permission to rest when the world (or even your mind) tells you to push more, work more, do more, be more. Self-care is the deliberate choice to do something that feels good.

This is sacred. This is important. This is you remembering you're worthy of care. Don’t stop putting this time and effort into yourself. In a litte bit, I’m simply going to invite you to add something to your bath to integrate nervous system regulation into your self-care routine because the bath isn’t the problem.

The problem is your nervous system, the part of you holding tension, fear, and survival for years, doesn't speak the language of lavender-scented soap, or chamomile tea. It speaks the language of safety. Safety isn't something you can buy but rather something you have to teach your body to feel again. Your nervous system is ancient. Primal. It doesn't care about your to-do list or your affirmations or how hard you're trying, it only cares about one question: Am I safe? For so many of us, the answer has been "no" for so long that our bodies forgot what "yes" even feels like.

Your body is always speaking. Are you listening?

You need regulation when: You're exhausted but can't fall asleep, or you sleep 10 hours and wake up more tired than when you went to bed. You forget words mid-sentence, common words, words you use every day. You snap at your partner over dishes in the sink, then feel terrible about it five minutes later. Everything feels like "too much." The noise. The light. People talking to you. Your own thoughts. You're scrolling on your phone for three hours but can't seem to start the one thing you actually need to do. You get weirdly startled by normal sounds, you're holding your breath without realizing it, or breathing so shallow it's basically just your chest moving. You cry at commercials, or you can't cry at all, even when you want to. Decision fatigue hits over the smallest things: what to eat, what to wear, whether to respond to that text. You feel disconnected from your body, like you're watching your life happen instead of actually living it. Small inconveniences feel like catastrophes. Spilled coffee. Traffic. A typo in an email. You're constantly scanning the room, people's faces, your own body for what's wrong, what's unsafe, what you need to fix. You have body aches. Maybe you’re always hunched over. Your jaw is clenched. Your shoulders are up by your ears. You didn't even notice until just now, did you? Take a deep breath. It’s okay. This awareness is good, and you’re not alone. <3

You need self-care when: You're regulated but just… empty. Like you gave everything away and forgot to keep some for yourself. You need softness, not survival. You're craving pleasure, comfort, joy, and you can actually feel those things when they happen, the activities actually rejuvinate you and help with motivation, comfort, actually feeling the self love you deserve. You just need to remember what it feels like to be gentle with yourself; you've been handling everything, and you're just tired. Not dysregulated. Just… human. Most of us need regulation way more than we realize. We've been running on survival for so long we forgot what it feels like to just be.

Until you teach your body that it's safe now, in this moment, in this body, no amount of external comfort will reach the place that's hurting.

Simple practices you can start today:

Box Breathing (4-4-4-4) Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, hold for 4. Repeat 3-5 times. This activates your vagus nerve and signals safety.

Name 5 Things You Can See Simple grounding. Brings you out of fight-or-flight and into the present moment.

Gentle Movement Shaking, stretching, walking. Releases stored stress from your body.

Co-Regulation Spend time with someone who feels safe. Your nervous systems sync up. This is real, documented science.

Create Safety Cues Soft lighting, cozy blanket, favorite mug. Your environment signals to your nervous system whether you're safe.

Regulate first. Self-care second. Both matter. 5-10 minutes of breathwork, grounding, or somatic practice. Get your nervous system into a state where it can receive care, then your bubble bath, favorite show, or cozy time actually lands. Your body can receive the pleasure because it's not in survival mode. Over time, you build capacity. The more you regulate, the more resilient your nervous system becomes. Eventually, you don't dysregulate as easily, and self-care becomes the cherry on top, not a desperate attempt to feel okay.

Want to learn more about nervous system regulation?

You don’t have to figure any of this out on your own! Your options are endless, and I’d love to support you on your journey.

Remember that you are inspiring, you are loved, keep going! I am cheering you on!

XOXO, Coach Coop
Ashley Cooper
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